Michaela. 25. U.S. This is a multi-fandom and personal blog. That means Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate, DC, Marvel, Harry Potter, LOTR, and a whole lot of random.
You can literally make anything and anyone problematic if you try hard enough seriously give me people and things and I’ll make them all “problematic” right now.
Dogs.
I don’t even have to do this one because PETA did it first by insinuating domestication is inherently abusive.
The sky
Used to trick and mock anyone who asks “what’s up?” A bullying tactic.
Super Mario Bros.
Stereotypes Italians, enforces the narrative of women who need men to rescue them, and encourages violence against turtles.
John Mulaney
He was over on the bench and he SAW what they did to Tyler and he did NOTHING.
Omfg
Pokemon
Making your pets fight repeatedly is animal abuse.
OP
OP literally argued that dogs were problematic but go off I guess
so I’m in that finals week punch-drunk sweet spot where sleep deprivation, caffeine, and first-final-went-well all combine into a mind-altering state not unlike being high. I’m still functional enough to study, but whatever part of my brain that makes metaphors is definitely on the fritz. This morning I was trying to describe the 20-minute nap I got at the end of my pre-final all nighter, and the sentence I uttered was:
“I basically spiked my gray matter off the far side of a REM cycle, which was just enough to let the pathetic mass of neurons left behind after the caffeine brain blender get all the juicy law nuggets into some kind of order.”
To which my horrified classmate responded: “What.”
So in the interests of procrastinating on studying for a few minutes and entertaining internet strangers, here’s a few of the metaphors/similes/analogies/weird crap that has come out of my mouth in the last week. Not even I know what I meant with some of these. Please be merciful in your judging; I am so tired.
describing how pale I’ve gotten while living in a study room: “when i go makeup shopping i just go the palest end of the spectrum, past ‘ivory’ to ‘copy paper’ and then i grab the jar of mayonnaise next to that, because that’s how white i am right now.”
“ive become a half-reverse-vampire; i love garlic and i won’t come in your house if you invite me, but i still flee from sunlight and smell like death.”
“im ADHD as fuck dude. my brain is like seventeen squirrels on crack. if i can get them all pointed in one direction and focused on one thing, im basically unstoppable, but as soon as i get distracted, it’s a full on clown party in there.”
“as a general rule, i try not to consume any food item larger than my head, but given the current size of my ego and the amount of nonsensical court rules i’ve stuffed in there recently, im pretty sure my head’s twice the size it used to be. so we should probably order at least two more pizzas.”
things I just said:
“im like a raccoon when it comes to shiny new office supplies. i just have this unsuppressible urge to steal them in hopes that somehow they will imbue me with their motivational powers and i will become a more efficient person by consuming their tiny paperclip souls.”
regarding energy drinks: “it used to be that if you were in law school you would just get addicted to cocaine, but now all we have are these. i figure if i drink enough of them my heart’ll just pop like a balloon animal and i wont have to sit the final.”
“i can’t tell if my hands are shaking right now. look at them. are they? no? must just be my eyeballs then.”
watching my study buddy drink spicy V8 tomato juice right after finishing a frozen chocolate twix bar: “you’re an abomination against god. you’re the reason people think lawyers are evil.”
‘oh god, im choking to death on mountain dew. it’s okay, it’s how i would have wanted to go.’
me, pawing through the mess in my backpack: “where’s the fucking. glasses juice. contact solution. where’s the fucking contact solution.”
my friend: “how about instead of sitting this final i just hurl myself into traffic.” me: “good luck finding traffic around here at this time of night.”
“i’ve had enough coffee at this point that if i shake my head too hard, my teeth start falling out.”
“that’s it, you’ve got ten minutes until the deadline. Turn in your brief and die with your honor.”
greatest hits from the study table:
“how can you drink monster? that stuff is like toxic waste.” “my body is a landfill, so that’s perfect.”
a professor, to my friend: “Finals hitting hard?” “Sir, I’m about to start eating glass just so I can feel something again.”
“look, the only way I’m gonna remember this stuff is if we turn everything into a harry potter metaphor. now help me figure out what the ethical duty to obey court orders has to do with the Half-Blood Prince.”
“i’m running to the StabN’Grab for some caffiene, and if I’m lucky, somebody will murder me before I get back. see ya!”
“do you think that doing a handstand would help me remember stuff better? more blood would be in my brain.”
Reasons I believe my friend is secretly some kind of deity
1) First time we spoke was a week after the beggining of freshman year she summed up my entire character and most of the events of my life Sherlock style. I asked her how the hell she knew all that. She just shrugged and said she figured out our entire class already.
2) The one time we had religion class instead of ethics she listened to the teacher for a few minutes, laughed and told me:
“Humans have wished to be gods so much they’ve forgotten they have to ability to create them. Imagination has truly suffered from this ‘monotheism’ stuff.”
I was confused and asked her if she was an atheist. She rolled her eyes and said:
“Oh I believe in god alright. I just don’t think the bastard deserves to be worshipped.”
3) Out of nowhere she gave me this advice:
“The only truth a liar ever told was that lies weren’t going to save you. Don’t become the liar who has to pass that wisdom on, because they speak from experience.”
4) To this day, she has one of those old-timey phones with buttons she only uses to ocassionally call someone. When I asked her why she never got a smartphone she got pouty:
“I hate social media. On Facebook they talk a lot but never say anything. If I wanted to listen to people moan about their problems and ask for help they don’t expect I’d listen to their prayers.” (Notice the choice of words)
5) I noticed she was stiff and I offered her a massage since I’m really good at it but when i started kneading her back I swear to this day those were not muscles I felt. I asked her what she did to turn her muscles into rocks covered with a thin layer of skin and she kinda froze then shrugged and said she was just really, really stiff. My hands hurt after ten minutes when I can usually go for an hour. Next time I offered she seemed surprised and laughed. She still has rocks for muscles.
6) We were having a debate over the way neural pathways are formed (I study biology and she forensics) and I jokingly asked if I could have her brain for study when she dies. She laughed.
“Sure, if you find a way to kill me you can have it. I’m actually curious what you’re gonna find.”
7) One time she was tired and miserable and I tried to comfort her. We both have really dark sense of humor so I told her she could scare the dead out of their graves with that glare. She told me the dead can’t come back and I rolled my eyes and said ‘obviously’ but she continued:
“When you die you descend to the underworld with nothing to lose. To keep you, they give you something to lose. When you want to return, they will demand it back. That’s why nobody ever leaves. The only way out is to never enter.”
8) One day she just came up to me with a disappointed look on her face. When I asked her what was wrong she was quiet for a few seconds and then just told me:
“Betrayals committed in good intentions are still damning. Just… keep that in mind.” Then she left and didn’t speak to me for three days. I still don’t know what she meant but even three years later I haven’t forgotten it.
9) We were casually sitting on a bench when, out of nowhere, she asked me: “Is it just me or have humans gotten dumber? Or have they always been this stupid and I just haven’t been paying attention?”
10) She asked me if I ever wondered what it was like to die. I said no but told her I would tell her when I found out. I meant it as a ghost joke but she smiled at me and said:
“Great. I’ll wait for you to come back. Maybe you’ll even remember me.”
In conclusion, she is some kind of low-key god and she lost her faith in humanity even before we lost our faith in her but she’s stuck with us because immortality is a bitch.
P.S. I just remembered her name is a variation on ‘Eve’. Maybe I should reconsider my atheist status?!
She totally sounds like a goddess from one of Rick Riordan’s novels honestly. I kinda love her. If you have more stories, update us, cause I love this stuff.
I was going through useless facts and trivia to fill my brain with shit and I learned in feudal Japan the term for a bisexual man was something along ”wields swords in both hands”
